ExecutionofSwiftVengeance's Xanga

A Woman's Whisper

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 19:19:01 GMT

This was written a month ago but I haven't been on. I have about five other posts written; I'll be posting them.

Tuesday morning, 5/12/2009
I heard my name. A woman's voice, whispering as I lay relaxed in bed. It was soft yet strong and it sounded torn as I felt just then. It was not many miles away, but I struggled trusting my intuition concerning the voice. After all, there are so many; it's so easy to confuse them.

The Separation

Wed, 13 May 2009 19:58:59 GMT

I've been very busy lately and have not had a lot of time to comment other people's sites much. For that I'm sorry. I'll be back to normal soon.

I wrote something called Wait for Me a while back and I guess this might be a sequel. The inspiration is the same as before. If you have not read it, I would suggest you do so first.

It concerns when God's love leaves, but again parallels the unconditional love of a man for a woman.

There's nothing I would not do for you, my love, my fair one, no good thing ever denied you if only you would wait. That was all, yet you so swiftly move to stir my jealous anger, for you have left your course to chase some far smaller, far dimmer wandering star, unworthy of a single thought of yours, as you only ever thought of yourself, and as I only ever thought of you.

You would discard all the best there is for some worthless momentary pleasure, returning to an ignoble past, the one to which I said never to return, that it can only end in your regret. And ever though you no longer speak to me, yet will I wait for you with only ever as much patience as you need because I know you are worth the wait.

You will see your need for me soon enough, and when you do, I’ll be here with open arms. No matter how often you nail me to this cross, I will forgive you, because I know that you know not what you do. You may feel some guilt for these scars of love I bare. Perhaps then you will see my worth.

Life is Beautiful

Wed, 13 May 2009 04:15:34 GMT

Monday's post was initially a guest post on Simbathe2nd's blog, Intimate Relationships Between Women and Men, but there have been those have requested a part two, so I moved it here. I've considered it, and whether it will be in the form of a part two or an expanded post, I'm not entirely certain. Either way, such a post would be more difficult to write than this and so I cannot guarantee when it would be complete. If you have not read it yet, I'd highly recommend it. Okay, so I wrote it, but that isn't why. I believe most people will find it thought-provoking.

In the meantime, I will post other things that have been in my mind for a while. Today's was all written today, however. Or should I say yesterday's was written yesterday since it is presently after one in the morning.

Anyway, instead of riding in the vehicle between stores, I walked them. And this is what came out of it. It grew in my mind and I'm beginning to understand, not just in my reasoning, for I've a had feeling this was what indeed happened for a little while now, but on a spiritual level, that true art does not come from the artist at all, but that he discovers it, or is given it. Anyway, it expresses something that's been happening lately, in my life as well as with several other friends.

Life is beautiful, even with its fated turnings
all writ before our day
and we choose whichever narrow path, or wandering,
we wish to slake or slay.

And every tear we bleed is perpetrated
by the fear of truth we fight
from the very lips of God.
For every sunset is but a death
as blue fades to scarlet hue,
like the heartbreak for a wayward love.
But with a love within, without reason
that chooses forgiveness for every plea,
a love with depths unplumbed that would
spur one to sacrifice the life of the mortal
self as quick as kill for their One.

And with the faintest gleam as light escapes,
life springing from the death of that long sleep,
the darkness catches flame to show
that with its bitter and its sweet life is beautiful.

Intimate Relationships Between Women and Men

Mon, 11 May 2009 18:41:56 GMT

I understand this post is lengthy compared to what’s normally read on a metablog. I attempt to be thorough yet concise. I am simply a careful observer of people and their actions, though I guess that I wouldn’t expect you to believe me considering most of you don’t know me. I have spoken to all age groups of both genders on this topic and have observed consistent division of opinion between them. I read extensively, as well and widely concerning more than that which pertains to my own era, century, ect., so I take nothing off the wall.

I do not moralize. Morality and moralization are very different things. Just because something is called immoral or perverse and is widely accepted as such does not entirely make it so. Also give different definitions for the same word.

Fundamentally I’m interested in cause and effect. If something is classified immoral, I want to know why which is always revealed in the results short or long-term (the latter being most often overlooked since they extended the length of human life) from the choices made.

The finish is the most essential but over the span of life it is the least observed. Most individuals have little knowledge of history beyond their own lifespan anyway, little or no knowledge of culture beyond their own, and reject most things that contradict what they’ve been taught. More often it is experienced as an emotional stigma, the individual quailing in the face of presented results, feeling threatened because of their strong emotional attachment without any other reasoning.

Of this I am certain, most of you will find at least one element to disagree with, and though my mind is set and this is not an opinion-seeking post, feel free to express yourself, only allow discourse to remain civil. This is a topic that stirs strong opinions. I only request that you would listen to “the conclusion of the whole matter” first and that any anger you might experience, instead of ending the reading of this article because somehow it would be a personal threat to you, that it would spur your eyes on till the end and you would view it with a relatively open mind as views, not competing with anyone else’s but as being complete unto themselves. Your views are not you, but are usually an opinion you have adopted based upon a socio-cultural preference of moralization. It is not my goal to oppose you; it is only that the details given work as proven throughout recorded history, verses the complete failure of the twentieth century ideas pertaining to the subject.

Intimate Relationships between the sexes to begin in the home
The most beautiful expression of relationships I have ever found was that of 1st Century Judaic tradition. Both sons and daughters received academic and ecclesiastic training from their mothers till the age of twelve, at which point the sons (and sometimes but not always daughters) would be taken to the temple where their knowledge of the Torah would be tested. This was a rite of passage into adulthood. The sons would then begin the vocation of their fathers, usually until the age of twenty. Sometimes however it was younger, considering the males prosperity and skill and the prosperity of their father.

Daughters were taught by their mother the necessary skills of cooking and housekeeping till their first menstruation, after which the father would look for them a suitable mate. The average age of first menstruation was fourteen, but would sometimes be thirteen or fifteen depending upon the individual.

There were several reasons for this practice. While the male’s responsibility was to make certain his family was taken care of fiscally (which usually meant he must have accrued a minimal reserve of wealth) as well as be physically capable of protecting his family from harm, the wife was to train their children and maintain cleanliness of her house. As well, the older civilized cultures recognized that true physical adulthood began when the individual was capable of reproduction, whereas a socially and politically correct “magic number” defining instantaneous adulthood is a much more modern hypothetical idea. The marriage of the daughter also had nothing to do with family resources. These people were brought up from their youth how to effectively amass wealth in their culture. In fact, in one of Paul’s many epistles he describes the necessity for women to marry young because some fathers were practicing what many do today, that is postponing the marriage of their daughters. Jewish families were generally very large, so the siblings shared responsibilities which meant for a great deal of idle time. As in many cultures, too much time leads to the creation of many unnecessary problems, one of which is gossip. While the males are out employed in their trade, it would be unlikely that the females would take up crafts for their spare time without supervision, which would be no different for any male if they were not employed.

Now the process of marriage began this way: The father invited a prospective male of his approval to dine at their house. He might have been young, or a widower. Neither mattered as long as the father felt comfortable that this man would please his daughter and take care of her. After all, the common adage for a daughter was “the apple of my eye.” Daughters were more often the favored in the household, regardless of the fact that the father first needed sons to advance his business. (As well the Israelite male was highly favored amongst females of other nations.)

At which point the prospective male had a choice: He could offer the daughter a cup of grape juice or he could choose not to, in which case there was no insult as the male was under no obligation to do so.

If he did, the daughter had three options. She could choose to drink all, a symbol that the male was desirable in her eyes and she would marry him. At this point they were betrothed and the male, after eating, would leave to build her a house as a wedding gift. And the house was hers, not his. Despite what some people like to believe, a Hebrew marriage was all about equality.

Her second choice would be to drink only half, which indicated one of two possibilities. First, she did not feel emotionally ready or, second, she was not certain of the male in question. In either case the male left and, if she was still unwed a year after, he would be invited to return to offer the grape juice again.

The third choice would be not to drink of it at all, in which case no insult would be extricated from the exchange.

Some might observe the accuracy of these details from the language of the Gospels. Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane said: “Let this cup pass from me.” Also in John, he states, “I go to prepare a place for you . . .” with Christians being symbolized as Christ’s bride.

All of this may seem foreign to you and outrageous considering the nearest we approach this consisted of a Mormon scandal consisting of forced marriage. It should be observed however that the daughter’s marriage was fundamentally the choice of both individuals concerning the possible union.

So how much does this differ from the today’s typical family?

Intimate relationships between the sexes outside of the home
At the age of five the children are sent off to a government run schools that hand them crossword puzzles and reads to them until their senior year. Some of the girls begin menstruating at the age of eight or nine because farmers add estrogen to feed to increase the size of livestock. Males also become more emotional. At this age most become aware of and interested in the opposite sex.

I must pause here to note that this last part disturbs me and I know most of you will agree. I’m not in any way advocating marriage at the age of eight or nine because human beings were never designed to be capable of reproduction so early. This perversion of biology is the result of greed. With that in mind, most teachers will not advocate abstinence. They would hand out condoms before they ever considered handing out a marriage license. Meanwhile, parents out of selfishness to keep their children as long as they can, will not allow their children to marry till they are eighteen or older, despite the fact that the only things that happen then universally are that they graduate and are deemed old enough to smoke and vote. This age marks no biological conclusion in development of any kind for most individuals. By this time they have become desensitized to sex except their desire for it, which most likely is never extinguished, and if they are incapable of it.

A complement from a male might result in a negative reaction from the female.

If the female fears her boyfriend will leave her, or that he is too bashful, she may practice some sexuality to “keep him” or “loosen him up,” whether it’s of an oral or copulative nature. This usually produces the opposite effect. More than likely the male will have experienced sex before in which case he’ll realize he can achieve a comparative experience from someone else, so his libido is not threatened. If not, he becomes more insecure, more fearful that he will lose her. More often he becomes demanding and inhibiting. The female suddenly is forced to abandon all of her friends. Any males that might have been like brothers to her can no longer text or hang out with her and she will comply so as not to jeopardize the relationship and so will jeopardize herself instead. If her friends tell her to break it off, that it isn’t good for her, she’ll persist in spite of them. It never ends well.

And it does happen in the opposite manner. One of my friends married an aggressive, emotionally dysfunctional female, despite the fact that everyone--myself included--told him what would happen. It did and the marriage did not last two months. The union produced a child. Think of how he will be raised.

Even when the relationship is not physically violent, it is emotionally violent. Meanwhile society dictates we marry later and later as the divorce rate climbs, not just because of the psychological effects of sex before marriage, but also because it’s more difficult for most people to adapt to situations as they grow older. And case study after case study demonstrate that individuals who are sexually active before marriage are more likely to divorce than those who are not. It isn't a case of moralizing, but it is a case of morality.

The solution
My mother works with someone who was married when she was fourteen. She’s now in her mid-forties and still happily married. This is not the only example I know. I’ve known or spoken to about a dozen couples who were married between the age of fourteen and sixteen. With some there was close to a decade between them.

Most of these couples are in their seventies or eighties now, though a couple are in their early to middle forties. In fact every (without exception) octogenarian I have ever spoken to on the subject would advise anyone to marry young. Why? In their words, it’s easier to adapt to another individual. It’s nothing to do with being “mature enough;” no one ever really is in the beginning. Often it takes a year, sometimes two to reach that point, but it only ever happens through marriage.

Instead society does not listen to experience. They’ll tell any sixteen or seventeen-year-old who will listen that they’re “too young” for marriage, that they should go out and “live it up,” have some fun while they can. Society continues to listen to its divorce lawyers who recommend the same, if only to increase their profits. Society derogatorily calls these sexually active young adults ‘minors’ and the government only ever recognizes a fourteen-year-old female as a woman unless she’s had a child, or a sexually transmitted disease. These men and women know, at least subconsciously, that they are men and women, which leads to “teen rebellion” because they are being emotionally abused with the system that has been put in place to raise them, and when they’re forty and fifty years old, they are the individuals who scream and curse at their children at the local supermarket. Now those in their twenties are called tweens. It seems this is supposed to help prepare us for the universal health care system which is even now being developed as there has been talk that the age of adulthood will be increased to thirty, all in an attempt to make more individuals more dependent and limit maturity, while increasing divorce rates.

These many psychological results laid out earlier prove that, while sexual desire is obviously a natural sensation, premarital sex is not a natural or healthy experience, yet it has been deemed entirely natural by our society and the majority of parents have fallen for it. When an eighteen-year-old man falls for a sixteen-year-old woman--as it is natural for a younger woman to fall for the older man, as well as the older man falling for the younger woman--it is suddenly rape (or force) despite that obvious fact that both of them consented to do what society has deemed natural. I’ve seen this many times myself. The girl between fifteen and seventeen tells the eighteen to twenty-year-old that she is eighteen, they have sex and the legal system labels the ignorant male a sexual deviant as if he were fifty and fondled eight-years-olds. It would not surprise me in the least if this made up two-thirds of the sexual “predator” cases. And don’t be fooled, no form of sexual practice or even sensuality has to occur to be labeled a sexual predator, and it requires no intention. The government makes it entirely possible for a male older than eighteen to be convicted of third degree sexual assault if he accidentally bumps a female younger than eighteen in a crowd, just as the government gives themselves the option to take away your own flesh and blood if you, let’s say, forbid your daughter from attending prom because she was caught naked with her boyfriend, all of it without any requirement of proof. (The wary are skeptical of their rulers’ devices.)

Conclusion: Your choice
I’ve never debated this topic without bringing up all of these elements and a few more which relate to the true intention behind these laws, and though I’ve easily defeated every single person so far in debate on this topic, I’ve yet to turn many minds. I challenge them, that it is only for their emotional attachment and while they are quick to deny it, the words they use to describe their stance are universally, “I feel.”

But this is not an “I feel” issue. Emotion and intuition are not the same, either. Results are what matters. Is it wise to choose the least effective method, the method that most likely will end poorly, because society prefers it? Society itself isn’t for you, it’s against you. There is no respect in society. There are stories. There is entertainment. It sells, whether it’s sex, hatred, making the good evil and the evil good, yet society lacks respect for the individual, for success, and a relationship is all about respect, for yourself and your spouse. Without respect, your relationship does not work. It might hang together by a strand of hair, but it won’t be loving. Without that respect, your children will love and respect you less as well.

You see the goal is not to raise children, but to raise adults and somewhere along the line parents have lost sight of this in an attempt to give their children “a better life” by giving them “everything I never had,” as if this could somehow be better for them. They’re babied, coddled, spoiled, whatever term you prefer best, none of them teaches them respect.

I’ve observed the results of this line of thinking and, when it succeeds, it is only an inferior form of what could have been.

Before the Great Depression it was not unreasonable to find a job at twelve, and to be capable of supporting a family at fourteen. Not very long ago, it would not have been difficult to still find at the very least a part-time job at fourteen. Now it's difficult enough to find a job before you're eighteen and it would be the same if the government wasn't spending itself into an economic meltdown. We're an entire generation teaching the next to be irresponsible. If we want our world to improve, we need to rethink how our children are being raised.

Swine Influenza: Will it be a Pandemic?

Tue, 28 Apr 2009 18:28:46 GMT

If you've been paying attention to the news lately, people are talking about the swine flu.

The most reported cases so far have been in New York City, 45. California, so far, is at 10; Texas, 7, Ohio, 2; Michigan, 1. This is kind of strange. All but Ohio have some sort of coastline, and none but Michigan and Ohio ajoin each other.

Supposedly, government health officials are searching for people who visited Mexico recently, a country bombarded by drug cartel wars, where hundreds--if not thousands--of people have been killed from the violence. That's beside the point. It seems, if anything, that more people in Texas would be going to Mexico than New York City.

I can't help but think of Biden's pre-election revelation that (at the time) should Barack win, he would be faced with a first-year trial. Also, no one can forget that the latest national tragedy was in New York City, the trade towers. My gut is telling me that none of this is an accident.

Regardless, we should prepare ourselves. Do whatever you can to build up your immune system. Take lot's of Vitamin C, E, and A, eat more raw fruit, exercise more, and take time to relax. Stressing out about it will only weaken your immune system. There's no guarantee that the government will have enough antibiotics for what's coming.

I Think the Government Should Make EVERYTHING Illegal RIGHT NOW!

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 18:15:25 GMT

Freedom? Who needs it? It’s so overrated!

I mean the other day an American citizen who grew up in Cuba called a talk show. Stupid terrorist. He said his greatest fear was that America would become like Cuba, not through military forces, but with out our appliances. He said he saw it coming.

How in the world? He had to have been exaggerating. I mean so what that the major search engines monitor your searches and make them available to the government and big businesses. So what, the government tracks your income, your investments, your charitable giving through the IRS. So what, the Great and Wonderful Lord Obama announced that his team was working on a new thermostat that mill monitor your energy consumption, while his glorious throne room, the Oval Office is heated at eighty degrees Fahrenheit. They would never! I mean, we need to give up our selfish desires to serve our government. Another step in the direction of Nineteen Eighty-Four. But it’s all wonderful, very wonderful, because freedom is evil and any one supporting and desiring freedom is a terrorist.

WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH

We should respect dictators like Fidel Castro who has murdered over sixteen thousand of his own citizens with more than a hundred thousand locked away in slave labor camps, because he’s good. China’s leaders have killed millions of it’s own people, so they’re good. Mahmoud Ahmadinedjad has on many occasions announced that he would like to annihilate Israel and he harbors and sponsors terrorists in his own country, so he’s definitely good. Did I just say terrorists? Wait, wait. I mean insurgents. Lord Obama has unveiled his divine will that we should not say 'terrorists' to reference to people who killed for 72 virgins in the afterlife. We’re no longer to call them terrorists. Naughty, naughty me. Because they are victims. You can’t blame them for strapping bombs to their backs and killing innocent men, women and children. Besides, it’s their innocence that makes them guilty. How dare they be innocent?

No, Americans who stand up for the Constitution, they are the real terrorists. America is a nation founded on terrorism. The Founding Fathers were terrorists. They fought the British and King George III, their rightful Lords and Masters. Now the British are our allies. Terrorists!

And the Boston Massacre wasn’t against civilians. No! They were terrorists!

We should support the writings of Marx. He was a wonderful genius. He inspired the Chinese Communist leaders who, as stated previously, were cool dudes, as was Joseph Stalin, who was awesome enough to murder at least three million people. And then there was Adolf Hitler who said he hated Marx, but then he was a socialist, and socialists generally get there ideas from Marx, so, ya, Hitler, another really cool dude.

Think about it. Without Marx there might never have been an Iron Curtain. The U. S. S. R. The United Soviet Socialist Republic. And the NAZI’s, the National Worker’s Socialist Party would have never been the same. His writings have inspired the deaths of tens of millions and the enslavement of billions. What a wonderful man! And socialism, how wonderful! The idea that government and only government should control everything and steal your money from you to give to other people who haven't earned it for the common good, so those people continue to sit around and do nothing and benefit no one, not even themselves.

We are the one’s we’ve been waiting for. Change we can believe in. Yes, we can. Hope and change, and hope for change.

So why wait for the government to cause economic collapse to take from us what remains of our freedom? Let’s give it up now. After all, this is the change most of you voted for.

“You can’t eat that; it has too many trans fats!” “Thank you, sir, thank you; you are so wonderful!”

“You can’t drive that; it doesn’t get ninety miles to the gallon. We’ll melt it down for you and not give you anything. “You are so generous, kind sir.”

“You can’t procreate any more, it doesn’t matter that we killed your son just last week for giving a member of congress the middle finger.” “You’re so understanding and we adore you!”

I have an idea for a new video game. You can choose from any good member of congress. Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, anybody. Then you kill the Founding Fathers. “Mommy, mommy, I just blew Thomas Jefferson’s head off with my rocket launcher. Now there’ll never be a Constitution, so our wonderful president won’t have to admit on a local Chicago radio station that he would never choose anyone for Supreme Court Justice if they supported the Constitution. This is the shizzle!” “That’s wonderful, Sweetheart.” And then if you kill enough of them, you’ll open the omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, our Lord God and Saviour Barack Hussein Obama, who can never be injured or run out of ammo.

“No, no, we have just now made video games illegal.” “Yes, you are messengers from the Most High God, my Lord and Saviour Barack Hussein Obama; I would do anything for him. I would kill my mom for him.” “Yes, my son, that would be so wonderful, so sacrificial of you.”

(By the way, this is my political stance thanks to http://www.politicalcompass.org. Woo-hoo!)

Economic Left/Right: 0.62
Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -3.03

What Have You Done to Your Child?!

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 00:42:31 GMT

I was three surrounded by parents’ peach-hued bedroom walls, starring at a glass penny jar on the headboard of my parent’s bed. My father was preparing for Germany.

He slipped on Navy fatigues, revealing a large burn mark from his motorcycle accident on his right hip. “You’re just like Bradley,” he said, leaving the room.

This wasn’t the first time he said it; though it is my first distinct memory of the phrase coupled with a setting.

But let me tell you about Bradley. In the early days, my half-brother rarely kept a job longer than a week. Something happened, stirring anger. He’d curse his boss, even attacked a couple of them, landing him in jail. He also spent time for child support, several children with different women. Then there were the suicide attempts.

So why did he say this? I don’t know. I don’t really worry about it, though he decided the moment he saw me in the delivery room that I would be.

These slanders were common and increased when he was honorably discharged. I was five then.

At six, “you’re not even saved” and “your mom saved you” were added to the verbal repertoire.

The revolution in my life began at eight; I began to question. When I questioned, I reasoned, and I soon discovered what he expected; I was supposed to think and act exactly as he did, a carbon copy. Of him? He made sixty-five grand a year, spent lavishly on himself and much more than he didn’t have. We didn’t even know where much of it went. Meanwhile, I was wearing his hand-me-downs that didn’t fit. He treated my mom like trash as well. My innocent reasonings were defeating his. Soon the arguments erupted, leading me at the age of nine to challenge in return. “Do you want me to spank you?” I don’t have to tell you where that went; it was somewhere I didn’t want to be.

Insults were added then too. “You don’t have any common sense.” “You’re stupid!” “You’re worthless!” Nice day: “You don’t have the brain God gave a rock.” The rest: “ . . . box of rocks.” (How creative.) “I’m the god of this house. If I tell you to kiss my feet and worship me, you better kiss my feet and worship me.” “When I die, you can piss on my grave.”

Kind words almost never happened. Until one day when I went to work with him; he paraded me. One lady, Glenda--“the good witch,” she called herself--stopped me, said he told her all about me, he was so proud; it made me happy. You see, I tried--till nine--to please. It never happened, and I eventually gave up, but it wasn’t till years later that I understood the significance of this little event.

When I was eleven I devised my own manifesto, vowing I’d never be like him, that I’d treat my wife and children with love and respect, and be the best father and husband any man could be.

Then there were the few well-intentioned and kind but silly people who told me that, when I grew older, I’d realize he was right. It was just a cop-out of course, even if they didn‘t know it; in the end I was proven correct. But what was I supposed to think then? That I was stupid, that I was supposed to worship him?

Meanwhile, I was tiring of arguments. I did everything I could to avoid them with him, resulting in false diplomacy. First there was “what do you think about this?” At first I fell for it before soon learning it was another way he was starting arguments. I refused answer, he threatened to beat me. I gave in, he gave his opinion. I wouldn’t argue, he threatened to beat me. When I, as always, demolished his arguments, he threatened to beat me, or he‘d point his finger at me in rage. “SHUT. UP.”

I’d stay in my room every spare hour, hiding in books. At twelve I was grounded from them, my next to last escape--and my great love--taken, leaving only my own imagination. If I were caught, they’d have all been burned and I knew it. He forgot good promises much more often than he remembered, but never forgot punishment. I didn’t read novels for four years. Every day he’d say, “You’ve been reading your books, haven’t you?” when I hadn’t touched them. He must’ve known it was true because he wouldn’t ask again till the next day.

I could tell you everything; there are worse stories to tell from my life, and it would fill a sizable book.

But I eventually caught him with another woman. He told my mother that since they married, he hadn’t been with anyone else besides this once. It’s a lie of course. It had been going on for months. And he’d been sleeping with the maid when he had his motorcycle accident. I can’t believe they’re the only ones, either. He was always confident with women. Glenda was just one example.

I didn’t consciously notice this when I was young, but I think my subconscious mind knew. When I denounced all of him, I didn’t know I was denouncing confidence. In fact nearly every single male I’ve ever known confident with females was a womanizer or jerk, those few others counted on a single hand. It’s easy to automatically assume all confident guys are players and jerks.

But there wasn’t so much a lack of confidence toward him. One argument ended with him breaking a mirror I shoved in his face. “Look in the mirror! That’s the one causing the problems in this house! Look at it!”

I fought a lack of confidence. And while at time it does creep up on me occasionally, I know I’ll always beat it and it will soon be gone entirely. But none of you have any idea what that means, how far I’ve come, so I’ll tell one last little story and conclude.

A few short years ago this girl used to come in where I worked. It means nothing to me now. I know now that she wasn’t my soul mate. She was definitely eye candy, and apparently that’s what she thought of me, because she was always looking back far too often, but as far as it matters, that’s all she was. One day an associate tried helping me out. “I don’t know anything about movies, but he does,” he told her.

And she said “hi,” and my name. She said my name! “Hi,” I replied, gulped, turned around and quickly walked in the opposite direction. Pathetic, I know. I think of it now and it just seems funny to me really, sad that I was so bashful, but funny and I’m relieved that I’ve improved so much so quickly.

I’m a different person now. A friend of mine that I hadn’t seen for a couple years even noticed the difference, noticed how much more confident I am than I used to be.

The moral of this post is, you never know how you’ll scar your child with mistreatment. I know there are others who’ve had it much worse, children that grew up physically or even sexually abused on a regular basis, but just think twice about the words you’ll use before you raise your voice. They might not turn out like me. And never fear to apologize; none of us are perfect. You children will understand and appreciate it.

It wasn’t exactly uncommon for me to seriously ponder thoughts of suicide. The only thing keeping me from it was God’s reminders of what he chose me for, my imagination, the novels I’d write. I’ve no question I’ll win because I almost have; there’s no guarantee that others’ll be as fortunate.

Don’t want you to think of me as lucky. I came to understand and that‘s all that‘s necessary for anyone else. I became aware; it may not be easy, but there’s always hope. We just have to decide to be aware, decide to release these former events, because they aren’t us. Awareness is the key to overcoming. If you know anyone that is discouraged, encourage them. If anyone can beat persecution they can, because it’s been done before.

Unfriending’s for Wimps!

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 16:30:27 GMT

I can reference many examples of absolutely asinine cultural superstitions: “Man-made global warming is not a hoax!” “We are seriously over-populated!” “Kanye West is Jesus!” (Or if you’ve heard the news lately, “Kanye West is still Jesus!”) My purpose for this post isn’t to discuss these topics, though the first two are so easy to disprove, even for me, (and has been done already by people more qualified), that it isn’t worth my time.

Instead, I want you as the reader to consider why you might have unfriended. To begin with, you and I are sitting behind computer screens, maybe even half the world away. Yet your “fight or flight” responses have been activated. You. Feel. Threatened. Why? I can’t shoot you with my Red Rider bb gun. Ideas are not going to drive you to insanity, fast-food binges, or an early grave. Unless you let them. They’re issues; they aren’t part of you. It’s not violence you fear. It’s the fear of being wrong. Just admit it. It might be that you realize your knowledge of a given topic is insignificant, yet you still hold on as if it were drift wood and you’re immersed in river rapids. Or it might just be that your subconscious mind is telling your conscious mind, “Haha! you sucker!”

Now the mature thing to do would be to immerse yourself in both sides of the issue obsessively with an open mind. Construct scenarios, look for possible contradictions, attempt to justify those contradictions and not decide until you have exhausted the topic, which is true. Of course this is the mature, intelligent method, but you don’t need me to tell you this one; you already know it, if you just thought about it. Seriously, you’re __ years old. Grow up. And you have a Xanga; if you can’t handle that responsibility, you shouldn’t have one.

There’s always the other option. You could continue to do what the government wants and believe them and your teacher. (Don’t get me wrong; there a few good public school teachers.) Then everything will be all right. It’s much easier for you and the government because you’ll be insecure then as you are now and ready to pee your pants because you can’t find Mommy. More importantly, you’ll continue to unfriend people who just might have taught you something important. There, you‘re still stupid, which means that you‘re still a respectable member of society. You fit in! Congratulations.

Oh, and if you really believe Kanye is Jesus, this post does not apply to you, so unfriend to your heart’s content.

Hiatus

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 19:45:33 GMT

Absence has only been temporary. I’ve been spending time finding myself. Sounds rather abstract, I know. After all this is me at the desk typing on the keyboard.

And no, Xanga had nothing to do with my time away. I’ll return soon. Monday or Tuesday.

Shalome

The Dreamer and the Interpreter

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 18:41:40 GMT

(I actually wrote this Friday, but when I got on, Xanga was down for maintenance and I didn't feel like getting on Saturday.)

I awoke from the oddest dream and it has been on my mind since. I was in my bedroom, though this was no room I’d ever been in waking hours. It was bigger and brighter, and a dresser was where my window would have been in the “waking world.” Resting atop was an aquarium filled with water where a solitary goldfish lived. Now I owned goldfish for some time in real life, around four until the age of eight when the last one decided it was time for new scenery, though I don’t think it suspected the territory would be a shiny wood floor.

Anyway, I realized in this dream that the fish had not been fed for some time, so my mother fed it. (What can I say? I’m a little boy and I’m four; I can’t reach that high.)

When I turned, there was a giant popping sound and something landed just beyond my reach. It was red and yellow and the approximate shape of a tomato. The colors were separated, however, the yellow areas a dried husk, while it seemed the red areas had healed over. And it smelled like a tomato as well.

When I saw it, I looked up to notice what had once been the little goldfish from which the object came. It was now very large, as one might see in a restaurant aquarium, but it was dead.

I washed my hands since I really had no idea what no idea what the thing was that I had just handled, and when I returned, another pop followed with a similar object. Then I looked again and there was a second fish, bigger than the first, but also very dead. This one, however, lay at the very bottom, whereas the fish which died first rested on an invisible floor on the top half.

It seems there were two fish in the tank all along, though I never saw the last till after it was dead, but when it became visible, a partician had formed as the top floor/bottom ceiling might act in a two storey house. Beyond that, I don’t understand the dream at all.

Now the typical person would write it off entirely. “It’s just a dream,” and most of you are thinking that right now but unlike typical dreams, this felt as if it were something waiting to be fulfilled. I’ve had some dreams come true, with details too exact to be coincidence. And they were never good, though I must admit, if I’m correct, this was more shrouded than the rest.

I thought of Nebuchadnezzar’s dreams as I lay awake in bed. They seemed silly, too, and they had disturbed him. The dreams the Pharaoh dreamed and Joseph interpreted seemed even sillier.

Then I thought about the dreams people had before the Challenger explosion, and days before 9/11. Very soon I know that “young men shall see visions” and “old men shall dream dreams,” and that it will be to “all flesh.” Whether or not this morning's dream was prophetic I’m not entirely certain, but these things are beginning to happen. Now all I have to do is find the true interpretation. And no, Dr. Freud does not help.

So what are your strange dreams? Have you ever had any come true?